Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
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How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
why isn’t he texting back
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared