Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
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me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
WWE is French for “yes”
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Who’s ready for Friday?!
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.