Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.

~Australian drivers, apparently.

Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.

How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

[January 1, 0000]

Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?

Mary: so weird

All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.

*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky

Vampire: don’t say it like that

I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986

ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?

Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.

My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!

*hyperventilates*

*vomits*

Me: It’s for the dog.

8: Oh. Can I have a snack?

falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that

My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.

Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier

I have also decided to not buy Twitter.

nice challenge

me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me

murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

Britain be like

Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this

Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*

The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!

My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.

It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb