Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
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aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?