Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.

[in court]

me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard

judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.

Unhappy with work? Have a child.

Now you love work.

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.

You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less

If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?

Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?

Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.

Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend

Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.

*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*

In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.

While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times

“Je t’aime” = “I love you”

“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

[mission]

CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink

Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.