Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

20s: I’m on top of the world!

50s: stop the world I want to get off!

AI girlfriend leaving me for other creepy weirdo.

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.

My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run

Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.

Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.

Daughter:

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

(my date twirling her hair)

“Can I use your bathroom quick?”

Absolutely, gorgeous.

*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*

No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.

Golf would be better with landmines.

My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?

Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.

Kid: huh?

Me: I said, when we went to the park.

The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??

All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

You say tired, I say challenge.

-A toddler at bedtime.

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*

a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway

The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.

judge: please, rephrase the question

yoda lawyer:

Me: Why are you digging in your ear?

3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!

Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try

My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop

Vader: Join the dark side!

Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?

Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.

Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!