Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
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If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
they finally got him. they got macavity
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.