Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.

[Driving home from restaurant]

WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”

Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.

[126 minutes]

Uh oh…

You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.

Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year

Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers

I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body

Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”

Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”

“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”

Boss: “Just go..”

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.

I got jort-martialed

since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys

Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.

17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.

Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”

Yup, NOT going in there.

Cornhub…

For them dirty farmers.

“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher

[1st date]

Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]

Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”

Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.

Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead