Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
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Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.