Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..

Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.

My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.

“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”

~Management

It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*

Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.

This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body

My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.

me: which suit should I wear

her: I like both

[later]

her: how did the interview go

me: he asked why I wear two suits

Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

zone out

I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit

Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating

9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions

It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.

Yeah, I’ll go with that.

Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!

Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.

He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”

I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.

Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE