Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.

FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen

If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.

[tattoo parlor]

“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”

“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“

“Wisks!”

“Right. That’s why I-”

“I’m weally disappointed.”

Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

Me: can I get a Coke please

Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here

Me: how about a lemonade then

Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here

[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]

[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner

I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.

Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat

He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.

Clark Kent: *removes glasses*

Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are

Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?

what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question

Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid

Me: these say they have another week

*throws them in the cart*

Me: I’m going to be late.

Boss, over the phone: What happened?!

Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice