ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Sex so good you see dead people.
romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
