ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
