ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
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*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Oops
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,