Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Some say I have a drinking problem”

*pours glass of water on lap*

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

How tf did it end up there?

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.

ME: *trying to highlight text*

WORD: and the last letter of previous word?

ME: no, why? just follow my cursor

WORD: ok so just half this word?

ME: the whole word

WORD: k

ME: wtf

WORD: oops

ME: the word is gone

WORD: the word is gone

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

*police sirens*

*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*

QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN

*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*

[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9

I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

Instead of the USPS they should have the PSPS where trucks would just drive around and put cats in your mailbox.

Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen

Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”

Me: “More like alie-outs.”

Alien Leader: “On second thought…”

*zaps me dead with lasers*

Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”

This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.

[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

i love modern commerce

Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

Today in my classroom

Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?