Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]

If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical

I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.

– people with the right amount of body parts

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.

The old gods are rising again.

BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*

Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,

Shut up.

Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?

Griddle me this!!

– Batman villain ordering breakfast.

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.

I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.

*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are

Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”

If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated

aaaaand send

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.

Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.

It’s less hassel that way.

*phone rings*

Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”

Wife: “….”

You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500

Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.

– things my BF and Uber driver say to me

If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.

the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation

When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.

Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test

Me: C

Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩