Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

[oval office]

SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!

PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*

[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look

“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”

-no girl ever

bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream

“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing

my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair

Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.

A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”

If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.

Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me

putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep

[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”

There’s lots of fish in the sea

“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”

Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.

*planning the destruction of the human race

Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices

Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters

Toasters: You guys are amateurs…

When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.

Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”

*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”