Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
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An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
I ain’t wearing no wire
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
This halftime is the best thing to happen to Kendrick Lamar and the worst thing to happen to anyone who has to explain what’s going on right now to their parents. #SuperBowl
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.