Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard đ°
My baby:
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When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
ghost of christmas past but itâs just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
In my 20âs: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40âs: oh.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…
Well, toucan play at that game.
Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you canât do that in here
Me: but I canât drink it without a straw
7YO: Maybe Iâll behave tomorrow and then youâll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying âmaybe?â
Her: I donât know the future
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: youâre the pilot
ME: oh right itâs free
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Welcome to your late 20âs, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
new challenge called âdonât say âwoow itâs already dark by five these daysâ for the rest of winterâ challenge
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Who called it a witchesâ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?