Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard đ°
My baby:
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Hot girls tweet things like âhis words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauceâ and get 27k likes WTF is this app
me: âokay I might as well just say it..I love youâ
girl dinosaur: âomg u have no idea how long Iâve waited for u to say that!â
*meteorite*
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these⌠M&Mâs?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Just accidentally spilled my catâs food all over the floor and his reaction wasâŚ. a lot đ
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Iâm so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is âthe most slay?â Anyway Iâm a Ravenclaw.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Son: Whatâre the trailers for?
Farmer: Goinâ to market.
S: Why 3 of âem?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes mâgoats.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Donât be alarmed when youâre knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesnât answerâŚ.He is dealing with me.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say âlike thisâ & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, donât complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didnât ask for, Brenda.
[blind date]
HER: Iâm a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says âthat was weird hahaâ and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writerâs block, canât finish it, and say âthat was weird hahaâ and go on with my day*
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninomâŚ.annominonâŚanonminâŚ
that people canât tell who I am
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoriaâs secret around the house
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who youâre dealing with
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: itâs been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be⌠different
me: WANT SOME GUM ITâS AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didnât birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
god: youâre a pig
pig: huh
god: youâre filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: câmon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: hereâs the thing
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Some people can never, ever admit theyâre wrong. Iâm not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Kids today donât even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
2011: The worldâs gonna end next yearâŚlike probablyâŚ.bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: weâve talked about this
Me: *sighs* donât wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you canât deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
when everyoneâs out sick and youâre the only one working in the office all week
