Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
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Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing
I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?