Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?

SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot

SLEEPY: I sleep a lot

GRUMPY: my wife left me

I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…

… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room

police: put ur hands behind ur back

me: are u mad at me

Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.

This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE

Him: Can I have your number?

Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.

I’ve named my couch American Idle.

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.

Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.

Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans

“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”

I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.

A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.