Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
You Might Also Like
How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
They’re stuck in your pants?
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Self-cleaning conscience
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me: