Me: No, please no more free bread. I’m never going to eat it all.
Italian: Here’s eighteen more rolls!
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I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.