Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.

Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”

If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it

𝗦𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀

so imagine
a thousand
bad
stanzas

Human are so complicated

*stirs coffee with knife*

*licks knife*

“Let’s do this”

*wakes kids for school*

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated

my astrological sign is a french fry

I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting

A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time

My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”

King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?

My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.

Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal

People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.

Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.

god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave

please stand back I’m about to make this worse

[Watching the sunset over Paris]

BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*

GF: OH MY GOD!!

BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend

Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is