Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means

“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”

TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie

I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet

Skeleton: I’m you from the future

Me: how long?

Skeleton: 2 months

Me: are you here to warn me?

Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me

People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.

Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions

HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?

Me: Roast Chicken.

HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?

Me: yes, a roast chicken.

me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏

The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.

God: *frowns*

Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.

5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.

*takes my split ends to couples counseling*

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

#HatDadJoke

*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

About to go for a run, because shoplifting