Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.

Me: I can’t wait!

RM: You’re fired.

From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe

Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?

John Hammond: Haha what

“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.

And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?

Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.

Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.

A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…

Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.

*Facebook down*

Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories

Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.

The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.

I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.

My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.

Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.

chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all

me: not tonight, my friend

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)

SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!

please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water

IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?

My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?

Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*

Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.