Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission

“LOL, NOPE”

-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon

WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:

Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?

wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

2022: I can fix it

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.

[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”

Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

Before therapy: I hate people

After therapy: I hate therapists

One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.

He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember

GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy

It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.

Had sex with a condom tonight.

Maybe next time it will be with a girl.

Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

me: wHaT iS It DocToR

dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people

me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS