Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.

when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour

Absolutely no one:

Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*

Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish

*at Pearly Gates

Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark

St. Peter: Mittens, I said no

My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough

Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window

My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.

Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.

My Son: It’s really fancy!

Me: It’s the best!

~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.

It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts

Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.

“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds

[first day being homeless]

What thread count are these newspapers?

Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.