Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away

😂

My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January

An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.

them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.

me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.

them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to

me: that’s better

I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.

ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…

It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.

-everyone on Twitter

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”

Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”

BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.

I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.

At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I replied “No…”

She responded: “How about now?”

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.

Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.

I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.

Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

[a melon-choly exchange]

Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married

Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me

*annnnd, scene*

Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.

5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

[first day as doctor]

me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep

patient: how can you tell?

me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head

The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?