me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
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I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.
Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.