me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
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The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
Is anyone gonna tell them?