Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed

Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.

(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.

It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

Croquettes are not female crocodiles

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding

On the list of things I’ve learned today:

1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her

[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real

Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it

[first day as a celebrity chef]

*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*

The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”

——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex

There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.

Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now

My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.