Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
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I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.