Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.

I’ve got this.

*grabs a hammer*

Doctor: Have often do you have sex?

Me: Once or twice

Doctor: A week?

Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on

Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave

ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!

MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.

All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk

It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.

ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.

ME: I’d wait until next week.

If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.

[Inventor of the plow]

I’m gonna stab that field

idea for a movie:

a bear who is a parent

captures a psychotherapist

to cook as dinner for the cubs

and the movie is called

(and i’m very very sorry)

“kids, i honeyed the shrink”

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

You deplete me

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.

I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.

When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?

[Thor Love and Thunder]

me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR

cinema guy: please stop doing this