Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.

Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.

are there any atheist mantises?

Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?

Me: 👌

Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion

God: you’re a centipede.

Centipede: what does that mean?

God: you have 10 legs.

Centipede: that’s not enough legs.

God: how many do you want?

Centipede: 100 LEGS : )

God: ok but don’t tell Snake.

Snake: don’t tell me what?

God:

Centipede:

Snake: guys don’t tell me what?

I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.

My zodiac sign is pistachio

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet

i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.

The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.

Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.

there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”

Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences

Note to self: I am a note

Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect

I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

[At drive through]

GUY: would you like a drink holder?

ME: ya sure

[driving home]

ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?

GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.

shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess

The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.

SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?

SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot

SLEEPY: I sleep a lot

GRUMPY: my wife left me

One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.

ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?

WIFE: For real

ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.