Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

Hear me out:

Brunch where pajama attire is required.

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie

Good advice.

[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.

Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop

cushion on the right slightly discoloured

[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

As the best book lists of 2021 drop

Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.

Have put a film on instead.

My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.

My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.

it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”

*flirting with a guy at work*

Soooooo, what do you do for a living?

wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”

I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?