Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.

You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?

reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!

Kids: Yay!

M: See you in a week!
*slams door*

Kids: …

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

4-year-old: Can I have some water?

Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.

4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*

Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

“Can I copy your homework?”

“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”

“Ok.”

[Shouts to passing jogger]

“Is there cake?”

My Plans 2020

[travels back in time]

[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.

*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.

He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’

[First Date]

Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?

Him: No. He’s very handsome too

Me: CHECK PLEASE

All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.

A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”

He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.

Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.

I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.

[new snowman watching the snowfall]

Is this *gags* is this flesh?

God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.

Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.

God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.