Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.

Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.

Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.

If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.

Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.

You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

Secondary school me: my speech is abou….

My guys at the back:

If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.

The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again

“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.

My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

Condescending:

(adj) showing patronizing superiority

(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.

Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!