Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened

Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon

I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.

It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.

I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…

OMG, I ATE THE TOY!

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults

Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe

When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve

Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

oh my god

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”

Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

the red hot silly peppers

when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10

Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit

WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats

ME: *barely audible* orca-strated

HER: Get out!

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.

I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing

My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.

I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx

Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?

At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.

my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.

ME: and make mine a double

WAITER: your…your tater tots?

ME: you heard me