Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”

Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.

My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her

People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]

boss: can you cook nights

a dragon: yes

my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

Them: Good morning
Me: Where?

Shaking hands is so weird:

“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”

Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”

A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich

wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year

remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.

Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.

Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:

When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.

*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”