me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
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Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
The asteroid..
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.