Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
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[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Something Saturday.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
