Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
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The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
No flush
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
i’m still crying at this
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
For an extra ten bucks Lyft will pick you up in a black SUV but I’ll go as high as $30 if I can ride to work in a taco truck.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.