@mdob11

Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*

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@HomeWithPeanut

I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.

He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.

There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.

@squirrel74wkgn

[in my bedroom]

Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*

Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?

Me: I just told you

@MartaEffing

*hears suspicious noise in backyard, is too lazy to get up & investigate*

*smells cookies baking at neighbors house, immediately goes over*

@Paige__xxx

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

@hippieswordfish

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

@howe007

Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.