I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
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[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Does anyone ever spiral into control?
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
You’re not a hopeless romantic. You’re just stupid.
*hears suspicious noise in backyard, is too lazy to get up & investigate*
*smells cookies baking at neighbors house, immediately goes over*
Me: tries to sleep
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.