Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
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uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
🙋♀️
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter