Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
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I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.