Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.

The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

You had me at “define legal”.

Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers

Taxidermist: you’re fired

[Wizard of Oz characters Now]

Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.

Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.

Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.

Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…

Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.

Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.

You know I’m something of a chef myself

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …

Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”

10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”

Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”

Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?

Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.

Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene

Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my

*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*