Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2000: I don’t want no scrubs

2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.

when mom throws a party…

* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

[at Home Depot]

Cashier: That’ll be $25

Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it

Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

[at the club]

*crawling around on the floor*

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk

‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.

This probably isn’t good

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”

6:*writing thank you card* But, um..

Me: Write it!

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.

In marriage, there are two conversations:

The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.

How is that even science fiction?

They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.

Her: What do you look for in a relationship?

Me: A way out.

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.