Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
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Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
saw this in a dream
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
