Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
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Real House Wines.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.