Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
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Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Buck naked
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Another interesting #factupdates post!
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no