Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
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So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Dune (2021)
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot