me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
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The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
💀💀💀💀
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.