Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve disappointed better people.

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”

I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ

Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school

How to get me to like you:

Be pajamas.

The 70s had it right.

Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.

I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.

7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww

What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?

A Candy Cane.

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people

Clown: How many uncomfortably?

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day

People at Costco really need to be less sensitive

If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.

6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”

#mumlife

Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too

My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy

Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’

Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’

Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’