Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.

Pick it up.

100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?

Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.

My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?

Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.

Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?

Her: Yes Your Honor!

Judge: When did you realize this?

Her: When his check bounced

I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.

No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?

Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho

PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.

Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase

Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”

It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

I’ve been playing fast and loose with expiration dates ever since I watched a documentary about a British man who lives entirely off road kill.

It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.

Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat

Buying my parents’ house.

Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…

I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too