Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.

Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]

My Son: Where’s his lawyer?

Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.

My Son: *heavy sigh*

[7 minutes in heaven]

Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha

Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you

Legacy implies the existence of armacy.

I ain’t wearing no wire

Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?

Apparently, all that was left was da brie.

***ba dum tissssss***

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?

Wife: Oh god

Me: They study algae, brah!

Judge: Divorce granted

[Cannibal Restaurant]

Waiter: Need anything else?

Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?

We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.

Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.

[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby

Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg

TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never

TWITTER: Ok

ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often

No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.

Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters

Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

[first date]

Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.

Me: What happened to your eyebrows?

Her: Not like that.

Boss: I had a dream about you last night.

Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.

[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike

moving in: you know what this place could use…

Daughter: This is a long movie preview.

Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.