Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon

Email translations:

“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious

“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious

“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious

“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious

“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious

“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious

U talkin 2 me?

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

Wife: we argue a lot about money

Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-

Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.

Nobody:

Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”

8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*

this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job

I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]

Finally

[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way

*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*

I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.

me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day

People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.

what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy

Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.

Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body

Dwayne Johnson: i got this

Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.

Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.

Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.