ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
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It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Left at a local drug store…
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.