Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

Signature Move

The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.

[friend being eaten by a bear]

*screaming violently*

Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!

Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.

Me: Where’s the remote?

Toddler: I didn’t eat it!

Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.

Me:

I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”

Oh dear you thought wrong.

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.

Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?

Me: …hiss like a cat?

person: nice cheese

inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets

Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.

When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.

The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.

I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals

Recently I did this with a farmer.

ADVICE: DON’T

Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?