Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.

If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.

They’re trained for that.

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way

Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.

She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

👍

me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI

Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?

~ Me as a therapist

If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.

All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.

Generation gap…

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?

me: i deleted it.

detective: why?

me: it was all grainy.

McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please

Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?

McConaughey: I don’t know

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.

My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.

[bank]

me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie

waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot

Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..

I don’t need that kind of negative talk..

Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”