Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
You Might Also Like
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Dammit Chief not again
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
A male goth is called a broth.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider