Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.

Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.

This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo

Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”

Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”

just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire

Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.

Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath

Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really

“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”

~ whiskey

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.

Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.

Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.

*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*

ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.

Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?

Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?

True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.

Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”

Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.