Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
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Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
A double negative is a big no-no.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.