Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
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I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
im all 3
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Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller