Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
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day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.