Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.

I coughed and I heard his pee stop.

My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds

Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?

Me neither.

If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony

Romeo: Juliet is the sun.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?

OTHER TWIN: yes

TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute

I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”

Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.

I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.

My scale: I thought you were on a diet.

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.

being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.

[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]

Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!

Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.

Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.

Dracula: You can’t be serious.

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

The three genders

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*

“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”

*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.