Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”

~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.

I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.

5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?

MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president

5: what happens if I turn 150?

W: you die

[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?

I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo

my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

Professor X: What’s your superpower?

Me: I turn positives into negatives.

Confessor X: Oh.

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder

Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.

Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.

Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?

Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”

Person: *laughing*

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

*At the bar*

Me: What do you have on tap?

Bartender: Bud and Bud Light

Me: I’ll have a Coke.

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.

Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us

Me: Like Spanx

I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension