Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search

Dentist: please stop

My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.

Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.

it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!

My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

🤣😂🤣😂

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.

When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.

God: *frowns*

Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.

white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.

Me: What is wrong with me?

Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.

Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.