Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

[1st day working at appliance store]

CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?

ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay

Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.

I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT

Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE

God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?

Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.

FRIEND: what r u watching

ME: unsolved mysteries

FRIEND: so just mysteries?

ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean

Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.

babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

Me: wow. Your room is a mess

4: you can clean it

Me: but you made the mess

4: I know you can do it

Me: I’d love some help

4: you’ve got this, Mama

My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it

My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?

Feyoncé…

sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud

ME: What are you in for?

CELLMATE: Money laundering.

ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.