Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
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The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
When my 6yo is mad at us, he changes our avatars on the Nintendo Switch. Right now my husband’s name is Poop and I look like I ask to speak to managers.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
I don’t think I’m a stoner….more herbally infused.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Snack for election night!
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn