Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
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Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT