Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are

FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.

When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”

Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

I feel it

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.

When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…

my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.

E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.

her: wanna be my fwb?

me: friends with bacon???

her: …

Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.

translated into Canadian

Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”

Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*

Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.

Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”

guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood

love pickles so much i put myself in one

[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.