Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
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YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad