Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
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“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I need to sieze this.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
Why the hell does that hurt now?
Me, waking up every morning.
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.