Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
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i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
The Punning Dead.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please