Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
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Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Watson was Holmes schooled
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water