Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
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It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!