Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
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[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
It’s an epidemic…
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life
Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello