Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.

My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.

[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.

Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.

[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then

I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…

If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?

No way you’re all at church.

My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.

the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch

Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

*Food arrives*

*Waits 3 days*

*Slowly takes bite of food*

*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*

HOW IS EVERYTHING??

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

*FINALLY gets truck washed*

*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it

Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.

Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3

Dwayne Johnson:

I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!

#alternative