Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.

Me: [smiling]

Phone: face not recognized

Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]

Phone: oh there you are

Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

2020: *deep breath*

My CW just barked.

Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.

My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.

Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.

Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

YOUTH 1: lol

YOUTH 2: wtf

YOUTH 1: lmao

YOUTH 2: ikr

ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn

[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most

Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.

9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night

Me: Hang on, give me a…

7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.

Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.

Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character

Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?

Her: I want you to choke me daddy

Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.

I had to Stop for this