Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
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“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s