Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
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You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!