Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
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Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Beauty and the Beast
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
